Dig deeper


Listen, I don't need you to tell me that I'm beautiful. I don't mean that in a snarky or egocentric way. It's just not something I need to hear.

Half Hollywood Half Natural

Wait. Let me qualify that. It's not something I need to hear from men. Sorry boys, but here's the truth: unless you're already my friend and we know each other well, I would rather you keep those comments to yourself.

 

Here's the thing. When I get complimented on my looks by a woman, I know that she appreciates the time that went into the preparation and that she relates to the joy of finding a flattering outfit. But when it comes from a man I barely know, there's often an uncomfortable undercurrent of desire and objectification. It's a rare man I've met who is able to express this kind of admiration in a way that doesn't feel like it has an ulterior motive. Some can, but most can't. Or don't.

 

It's true that I enjoy makeup and retro fashions and pretty dresses. I love getting dressed up and I love feeling feminine. (I also love to skip the makeup and hang out in comfy, baggy pants!) But I love dressing up because it's instrinsically fun. It's playful and creatively gratifying and empowering. The act of getting all "dolled up" (now there's a loaded old expression!) is rewarding in and of itself and doesn't require your validation because I am not doing it for your benefit.

 

Three more reasons I don't need you to tell me I'm beautiful:

  • If it's true, it's the least interesting thing about me.
  • It's the most superficial and least imaginative compliment you can pay me.
  • I am comfortable in my own skin.

That doesn't mean I'm not a sucker for a compliment! If I've just poured my heart into a performance, tell me what you liked about it. Maybe you felt an emotional connection with one of my songs. Maybe you now you hear it over and over in your head. Or maybe you noticed the research I did to get the period makeup just right. Maybe you enjoyed the selection of material, related to a story I told, or learned something new.

 

This post isn't just for me, by the way. I may not speak for all women, but I know I speak for many of us. If you are a single man and you truly want to get to know someone better, this advice will help you stand out from the crowd of bland, covertly lustful "compliments" from men we hardly know. Trust me, virtually every woman hears these kinds of comments all the time. While most of us do care about the way we look (we're still human!), that's rarely what we care most deeply about. Here's my advice: avoid the superficial. If you want to compliment a woman, dig deeper and take the time to compliment her on something she cares about.
 

Actually, that's good advice for complimenting any human being of any gender.

 

(Photos by Christian Kuntz Photography.)


Comments


Ian:

05 Jan 2018 23:42:03

Excellent point. Way too much emphasis is placed on looks. A person’s appearance is not what defines them. I’m not just saying that because I don’t look like a male model. (Fortunately, for some reason, my wife finds me attractive). As far as compliments go, being told you’re a nice person or smart or talented is much more meaningful.




Opa:

06 Jan 2018 03:58:44

Hey, you are exquisitely beautiful, honeykins, in every which way :D. (P.S. when it comes from your dad, it means he is really bragging about his genes :))




Opa:

06 Jan 2018 03:58:59

Hey, you are exquisitely beautiful, honeykins, in every which way :D. (P.S. when it comes from your dad, it means he is really bragging about his genes :))




Ken Hawrylak:

08 Jan 2018 05:22:46

Didn’t know you had a blog! That’s so awesome, also how is it possible you have time for one ;)

Part of the problem in my opinion is this whole online culture where we only show our most superficial and best face online. Look at all the selfies that appear and how many “OMG your so butiful” (misspelled on purpose ;) that appear after it.

We are more connected online than ever before, yet we seem to be less connected and more shallow than in the days before social media. It’s an insidious infection that’s spilling over into the real world. I go into more detail about my thoughts on this: http://blog.digitaldr.ca/disintegration/

I appreciate your honesty and the compassion you show others. I love how you always seem to take something that has the potential to be so negative and shed light on it in a way that brings the positive qualities and the learned lesson to the forefront.

Thank you Fawn, for taking the time to write this and to share your thoughts and feelings. Somehow I always come away from a post from you with something to think about.

Awesome looking blog and post!




derek holmes:

05 Feb 2018 14:33:11

Fawn, I am someone that you once moved with your voice. How have you come to here? You sound like a narcissist. I know men compliment women for various reasons. The problem is that sometimes women believe these compliments to be true and they let that nonsense define themselves.
“ Don’t tell me i am beautiful”? How about if someone was to say that your voice is average and unless you were beautiful we would not be interested?
I believe you are getting carried away with what people have told you in the pursuit of their desires. I prefer the girl who could sing. Derek




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